In Gratitude Attitude Part 1 we looked at:
- Developing Understanding
- The Value of Chores
- Exposure to Differences
- Benefits of Gratitude
Healthy Limits
Cloud and Townsend teach that a child needs both gratification and frustration: Their need for love, connection and care must be met and this helps build a sense of trust in the parent. When our children are babies, they are dependent on us for everything. As they grow older we give them increasing freedom, space and choices. But we must limit them and this frustrates them. We shouldn’t dole out all that they want or they will have an unbalanced view of themselves seeing themselves as the centre of the universe.1
Mother Ogre
Generally speaking when a child gets what she wants she thinks herself entitled and that her parents are good. When she doesn’t, she sees herself as a victim or deprived and parents are bad. One needs to tolerate being the “bad” parent.
There was many a time I ended the day in exhaustion, saying to Bruce, “I’ve been ‘mother ogre’ today!” I was tired but it wasn’t self-deprecation. I had just needed to set limits and bear the brunt of our children’s grief over not getting their way. I knew it had to be done and it wasn’t pleasant but I am so glad I persisted because I was rewarded eventually with very appreciative children. I am still enjoying that reward.
If we have let our child play “god” for a while, it is harder to break their sense of grandiosity. Start early. If we are being worn down by the child then seek support. It is better not to have a limit than to have one that is not kept. Why? Because when the child wears down the parent and gets his way it reinforces his sense of “godhood”. His sense of entitlement will grow and he will become the ‘ogre’. For more on entitlement see Amy McCready and my post on Consequences.
Age matters
- Babies are already very limited. Err on the side of gratification.
- Toddlers need to learn “no”. They can’t have all they want. They have to ask and not whine, for example.
- Primary aged children will have increasing wants as they compare themselves with others. They need to learn that life is not always fair. Sometimes they need to earn what they want.
- Teens can start to be part of the supply of what they may want. Watch that we do not allow them to treat us how they want to.
Limits and empathy
In every stage our attitude is crucial when a child is upset at not getting what they want. We want to help them internalise the limits. This means sticking with the limit to break their sense of grandiosity but offer them empathy. “I understand that it may not seem fair that your older brother can go out with his friends and you can’t. It’s really hard when we don’t get what we want.” Let them grieve, but stay close.
Expressing Thanks to God
God is the source of all good. Paul encourages us to “giv(e) thanks always for all things to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.” Ephesians 5:20 Teach children who their creator, Lord and Saviour is and to say “thank you” to God. A great time for this is at meals or at bedtime. Singing songs of thanks will become memories for the future. Worshipping with others is a wonderful way to grow thankfulness.
To Others
Teach expression of thanks to people. Train our children to say “ta” or “thank you” and that it’s rude not to show thanks. Give them age appropriate consequences when they don’t. A simple way to teach thanks is around food. We had a rule that you couldn’t leave the table till you had thanked the cook. A toddler wanting to get out of the high chair after eating can say their version of “ta” to be let down. It will take time to internalise this heart thanks, but it will happen when we consistently work at expecting it. Encourage your children to write a note of thanks for birthday gifts or draw a picture if they are too young to write. If we train them young and in the privacy of our homes, it will be less of a struggle for them in front of strangers and outside the home.
A good way to share gratitude is during time around the dinner table where each family member gets to share something they are grateful for in their day. See the end of this article for a number of creative ideas to promote thankfulness.
Complaints
We know that Scripture encourages us to “Do all things without complaining and disputing,” Phil. 2:14, but this doesn’t come automatically for us nor for our children. We all need God’s grace to be thankful. I challenge you to try a reality check: Ask your children, “What do you hear Mum and Dad complaining about?” Once the log is out of our own eyes we can deal with the speck in our children’s.
It’s also good to examine why our children might be complaining. Are they tired, sick, hungry or upset? Do they not handle change well? Do they have a disability that frustrates them? Is this an ongoing habit? When we know the cause, we can treat the physical and emotional symptoms with the appropriate response – sleep, food, comfort etc. Empathise with their emotions and only discipline behaviour after obvious needs are met. Amy Morin has some great suggestions in her article on Complaining. For more on this see Healthy Communication 2: Problem Areas.
Gratitude Activities
Kelly Miller has an abundance of Gratitude Activities and links for helping children have a Gratitude Attitude.
- Gratitude Tree
- Journals
- Walks
- Writing letters
- Drawing pictures
- Alphabet thanks
- Scavenger Hunts
- Songs
- Books
- Videos
The Gratitude Tree
In conclusion, here is a humorous video about gratitude: “Kid President’s 25 Reasons To Be Thankful”
What strategies do you use to promote gratitude in your home?
I’d love to hear your ideas below.
1 Cloud, Henry & Townsend, John, Boundaries with Kids: When to Say Yes, When to Say No to help your Children Gain Control over their Lives Strand Publishing: Sydney, 1998. Chp 11: I’m Happier when I’m thankful
Meralisa's Musings 