Truthfulness Part 2: Free to Be Transparent

How do we produce children who are free to express themselves?

Sharing Secrets

As our children have grown into teenagers and young adults, there are times that they have felt bad about some behaviour that my husband and I are unaware of. When we have regular one-on-one time (see Special Time) and ask how they are really going, they often open up and let us know. We thank them for their honesty, show empathy and talk with them about what is troubling them. We may then be able to share a similar problem we had when we were their age and look at ways to help them once they feel listened to.

Even if we haven’t done the exact same thing, we have all had times when we’ve failed our own sense of what is right, felt frightened and so on. It’s important that our children know that we have struggled too and what we learned from those times.

Model Transparency

Some parents don’t like sharing their failures because they think they will be less respected by their children, or their children will make the same mistakes. When our children know that we have been through something similar to what they are facing, they don’t feel alone, but supported. They are less likely to repeat our failures if we are honest about them and what we have learned as a result. Transparency is a great gift to model for our children. When we are courageous enough to be vulnerable, we teach our children that it is safe to be vulnerable too. There is nothing more precious than knowing you are accepted by another even though you are not perfect.

Expressing Emotions

It is not only fear of losing love that may cause a child to hide. Sometimes we communicate that certain behaviours are not acceptable, such as sharing negative emotions. Children need to be allowed to communicate their needs, wishes, desires and feelings. If a child is disallowed to share their negative feelings like fear, guilt, anger or sadness safely, then they may hide them and those feelings will emerge in other ways: self-hatred, head or stomach aches, poor behaviour and so on. If a child is punished for expressing emotions, this too will lead to unhealthy behaviours. A child may get clingy or they may distance themselves which drives a wedge deeper in the child/parent relationship.

When our children pull away from us, there is usually a reason. Sometimes they are overwhelmed and just need space but if they distance themselves, they may have fear and be hiding the truth because they don’t want to displease us or be punished. It takes courage to speak the truth. We want our children to have the courage to be people of integrity. We need to create a culture of accepting a child without affirming the bad behaviour so that it’s safe to be honest.

Healthy Communication 2 – Problem Areas

Teaching our children how to be good communicators is one of the character traits that we are aiming for in our parenting (See Our Family Ways chart). We all hate the sibling fights, the screaming, the whining and even lying. How do we teach our children to communicate in a healthy way without losing our cool? In “Healthy Communication 1” we discussed creating an environment for good communication which is an essential platform to establish before correcting negative behaviour.

Healthy Communication is being able to:

• Express our ourselves -our needs, feelings, thoughts and dreams – respectfully,
• Listen to others carefully and
• Respond to others appropriately.

Unhealthy communication is self- expression that is unhelpful and hurts others: threats, arguments, yelling, screaming, cursing, verbal abuse, lying, not keeping promises, interrupting, speaking over others and ignoring. In “The Power of Words 1“, I examine the damage our words can have and equally how important words of encouragement are in The Power of Words 2 .

Death and life are in the power of the tongue, And those who love it will eat its fruit.

Proverbs 18:21

The following four types of behaviour summarise some key problem areas.

The Screamer

Never answer a screaming child (the tantrum kind, not pain). We actually teach our children to whine, complain and scream when we answer them as if it’s acceptable. They continue to do it because it gets our attention. Respond with:

• I don’t speak “Whinese”. Tell me in English what you want.
• When you ask nicely, I will listen to you.
• Stop screaming, I can’t hear your words.
• We speak politely in our house.
• I will not speak to you while you are saying unkind things to me.

The Fighter

Part of healthy communication is learning to express our opinions and become independent thinkers, but when it turns to argumentativeness we need to help our children learn how to argue without being disrespectful and share their thoughts without being offensive. Denise Rowden of Empowering Parents has 10 fantastic tips to help us guide our children through these waters. ¹ I recommend looking up her examples for the summary points below:

• Do not argue with your child.
• Limit options.
• Be objective when you speak and try to use fewer words.
• Teach your child the difference between debate and arguments.
• Show the face of patience not anger.
• Be clear about consequences for arguing.
• Provide incentives, but don’t overuse.
• Teach your child to ask permission to speak following a command.
• Know your child’s temperament and be prepared to answer objections.
• Teach your child to make their polite objections at home or in private. Doing it in front of others will get an immediate negative response.

The Endless Talker

We need to teach our children that there is a time to talk and a time to be silent. Sometimes we have talkative children who need to be told to give others a chance to share. If we are fair they will appreciate this. Little children sometimes forget what they wanted to say so if the family are having a sharing time let the youngest go first. We don’t have to listen endlessly either. If we have listened to our children, reflected back and appreciated them and need a break, then we can say, “I have 2 more minutes before I have to do …. Is there anything else you would really like to tell me before I have to …?”

The Closed Child

Cloud and Townsend encourage parents not to reinforce non-expression ². They need to be taught to be direct and honest about experiences without passively acting out and expecting to be rescued. Let children know that you are on the side of their fear and pain but not on the side of their way of handling it. “Use your words” is helpful for small children.

You can ask questions to interpret the silence: “It seems that you are mad right now. I think you might be upset with me.” Other children communicate with actions such as tantrums, yelling, name calling and running away. Disallow this and encourage verbal communication: “I want to know what you are feeling but I want you tell me instead of showing me.”

God’s Word gives us great ideals to aim for:

Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers. Eph. 4:29

When we follow God’s guidelines of teaching thoughtfulness in communication, we will see gradual progression in our children’s patterns of behaviour, remembering it takes years to perfect the art of good communication. Aren’t most of us adults still learning that? There are rewards aplenty along the journey. For example, it brought much joy to hear the remarks of surprise that our girls received during their gymnastics days when they were in the same ability level lining up for the vault or bars. Their friends were amazed that they got along so well and spoke kindly to each other.

If you have stories or questions about areas of communication difficulty, I look forward to your comments below.

Stay tuned for Healthy Communication 3: The Parent’s Role

¹ Denise Rowden of “Empowering Parents” ^{https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/how-to-stop-your-child-from-arguing-with-you-10-tips-you-can-use-today/}

² Cloud, Henry & Townsend, John, Boundaries with Kids: When to Say Yes, When to Say No to help your Children Gain Control over their Lives Strand Publishing: Sydney, 1998. p. 200 (non-expression)