Gratitude Attitude Part 2

In Gratitude Attitude Part 1 we looked at:

• Developing Understanding
• The Value of Chores
• Exposure to Differences
• Benefits of Gratitude

Healthy Limits

Cloud and Townsend teach that a child needs both gratification and frustration: Their need for love, connection and care must be met and this helps build a sense of trust in the parent. When our children are babies, they are dependent on us for everything. As they grow older we give them increasing freedom, space and choices. But we must limit them and this frustrates them. We shouldn’t dole out all that they want or they will have an unbalanced view of themselves seeing themselves as the centre of the universe.¹

Mother Ogre

Generally speaking when a child gets what she wants she thinks herself entitled and that her parents are good. When she doesn’t, she sees herself as a victim or deprived and parents are bad. One needs to tolerate being the “bad” parent.

There was many a time I ended the day in exhaustion, saying to Bruce, “I’ve been ‘mother ogre’ today!” I was tired but it wasn’t self-deprecation. I had just needed to set limits and bear the brunt of our children’s grief over not getting their way. I knew it had to be done and it wasn’t pleasant but I am so glad I persisted because I was rewarded eventually with very appreciative children. I am still enjoying that reward.

If we have let our child play “god” for a while, it is harder to break their sense of grandiosity. Start early. If we are being worn down by the child then seek support. It is better not to have a limit than to have one that is not kept. Why? Because when the child wears down the parent and gets his way it reinforces his sense of “godhood”. His sense of entitlement will grow and he will become the ‘ogre’. For more on entitlement see Amy McCready and my post on Consequences.

Healthy Communication 3 – The Parent’s Role

Be the Role Model

A child’s behaviour gives away a lot of truth about the dynamics in our family. As parents we can fool outsiders, but our children give us away. If our children shout at others, it’s because they see shouting as a way to communicate their frustration at not being heard and understood. If they belittle each other then that is what is being modelled to them or what we are letting them get away with. If we are concerned about what is coming from our children’s mouths then the way to bring change is to start with ourselves. James (3:10) warns, “out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be.” Let’s be courageous and ask, what are we modelling or what are we permitting?

If we want polite and kind children then we need to show kindness when we talk, using courteous phrases like ‘please’ and ‘thank you’. When we are hurt, we model forgiveness using, ‘I forgive you’. When we wrong another member of the family, we need the courage to say, ‘I’m sorry, please forgive me.’ These simple words are the hardest yet most powerful four phrases that we can express, as long as actions accompany them.

Be the Teacher

There are two things needed: modelling and teaching. Without modelling we don’t have the right to correct our children, but without teaching, our children still might not learn healthy communication. I’m sure we all know plenty of lovely parents who have bratty kids, simply because they don’t have the courage or the understanding to teach their children how to communicate well. Both are necessary. Let’s be like the woman in Proverbs:

She opens her mouth with wisdom, And on her tongue is the law of kindness.

Proverbs 31:26

Set limits

Limit or avoid contact with any forms of unhealthy communication which might be found in books, movies, or with people that are not careful with their language. The younger the child, the more careful and protective we need to be, as early exposure is detrimental. As a child gets older we can help them interpret unhealthy communication as they will encounter it in life and they need to learn how to deal with it. We don’t want to keep them in a protective bubble all their childhood because then they won’t have the strategies and the fortitude to withstand any negative outside pressure.

Be Patient

Give children time to talk. Be aware of siblings that might dominate or answer for the younger ones. I grew up in a family where I was chatty and my parents talked a lot. My younger brother didn’t often get a chance to get a word in and often someone else would answer for him rather than wait patiently. Our only boy has four older sisters and they need to be reminded occasionally to allow him to share his thoughts.

Be Empathetic

Life can be tough and our children need to know that they have a safe haven at home where they can debrief the troubles and joys of their day. Often just a listening ear and some warmth and encouragement is enough to help children handle the struggles they face. When we need to discipline our children it is vital to couch the necessary correction in compassionate terms. “Children can handle the known logical consequences of their mistakes like a time-out, loss of TV privileges or loss of a trip to the park much better than they can handle relationship consequences like anger, guilt shame, condemnation or abandonment. Children hide from relational consequences more than the known logical consequences of their behaviour.”¹

When we speak with empathy, while keeping limits, we show we are on their side. Love helps internalise the limit. Words like the following help:

• I know, honey, it’s not fair.
• I agree it’s hard, I hate it too when I don’t get what I want.
• I understand. No, you still can’t go.

It’s okay for a child to feel hurt and angry when they don’t get their way. We need to help our children express those feelings in healthy ways. If we are frightened of their feelings, we will inadvertently disallow them the right to feel hurt. The trouble is that we sometimes interpret our children’s hurt and anger as rejection of us. We need the courage to be “hated”. If we can tolerate being seen as a “bad” parent by our child, we can stay in control. God tolerates a lot of bad behaviour from us. He doesn’t retaliate or withdraw his love. Neither should we.

Our children’s emotional response can also trigger our own hurt and anger and then an inappropriate response might be to react in anger or disallowing them to express theirs. I have found that there are times I get frustrated with my children and if I stop and reflect, I see I am frustrated either about a separate issue or my own sense of inability to parent at that point. Dealing with myself first always has the best outcomes.

Be Open and Direct

If we threaten or induce fear, our children will probably retaliate or hide the truth. This is a situation we don’t want. Give very clear guidelines on what the rules and expectations are and what consequences will follow if rules are broken, then follow through. The main reason parents are indirect is because of fear, fear of a loss of love or a reaction. We need our children to know that we are bigger than their emotions. We can help them face their emotions by being empathetic when they share their pain, no matter the source: whether it has come from a limit we have imposed, or a hurt in life.

Our role is to help our children express their pain appropriately, and respond with what is most helpful: reiterate the limit with empathy, apologise if we are wrong or wait till the emotion has subsided to make a teaching moment of what has happened so that our child can become independent in working through problems life throws at them.²

Children are watching us to see how we communicate and respond to life’s struggles. As we learn better ways of relating, it will provide them with good examples to follow. As we draw closer to God, we see His ways of dealing with us are firm but compassionate. Jesus is our role model and as we follow him we become healthy models for our children too.

Stay tuned for the next in our series on developing character: Truthfulness

¹ Cloud, Henry & Townsend, John, Boundaries with Kids: When to Say Yes, When to Say No to help your Children Gain Control over their Lives Strand Publishing: Sydney, 1998. p. 35

² Cloud, Henry & Townsend, John, p. 192-199

Healthy Communication 2 – Problem Areas

Teaching our children how to be good communicators is one of the character traits that we are aiming for in our parenting (See Our Family Ways chart). We all hate the sibling fights, the screaming, the whining and even lying. How do we teach our children to communicate in a healthy way without losing our cool? In “Healthy Communication 1” we discussed creating an environment for good communication which is an essential platform to establish before correcting negative behaviour.

Healthy Communication is being able to:

• Express our ourselves -our needs, feelings, thoughts and dreams – respectfully,
• Listen to others carefully and
• Respond to others appropriately.

Unhealthy communication is self- expression that is unhelpful and hurts others: threats, arguments, yelling, screaming, cursing, verbal abuse, lying, not keeping promises, interrupting, speaking over others and ignoring. In “The Power of Words 1“, I examine the damage our words can have and equally how important words of encouragement are in The Power of Words 2 .

Death and life are in the power of the tongue, And those who love it will eat its fruit.

Proverbs 18:21

The following four types of behaviour summarise some key problem areas.

The Screamer

Never answer a screaming child (the tantrum kind, not pain). We actually teach our children to whine, complain and scream when we answer them as if it’s acceptable. They continue to do it because it gets our attention. Respond with:

• I don’t speak “Whinese”. Tell me in English what you want.
• When you ask nicely, I will listen to you.
• Stop screaming, I can’t hear your words.
• We speak politely in our house.
• I will not speak to you while you are saying unkind things to me.

The Fighter

Part of healthy communication is learning to express our opinions and become independent thinkers, but when it turns to argumentativeness we need to help our children learn how to argue without being disrespectful and share their thoughts without being offensive. Denise Rowden of Empowering Parents has 10 fantastic tips to help us guide our children through these waters. ¹ I recommend looking up her examples for the summary points below:

• Do not argue with your child.
• Limit options.
• Be objective when you speak and try to use fewer words.
• Teach your child the difference between debate and arguments.
• Show the face of patience not anger.
• Be clear about consequences for arguing.
• Provide incentives, but don’t overuse.
• Teach your child to ask permission to speak following a command.
• Know your child’s temperament and be prepared to answer objections.
• Teach your child to make their polite objections at home or in private. Doing it in front of others will get an immediate negative response.

The Endless Talker

We need to teach our children that there is a time to talk and a time to be silent. Sometimes we have talkative children who need to be told to give others a chance to share. If we are fair they will appreciate this. Little children sometimes forget what they wanted to say so if the family are having a sharing time let the youngest go first. We don’t have to listen endlessly either. If we have listened to our children, reflected back and appreciated them and need a break, then we can say, “I have 2 more minutes before I have to do …. Is there anything else you would really like to tell me before I have to …?”

The Closed Child

Cloud and Townsend encourage parents not to reinforce non-expression ². They need to be taught to be direct and honest about experiences without passively acting out and expecting to be rescued. Let children know that you are on the side of their fear and pain but not on the side of their way of handling it. “Use your words” is helpful for small children.

You can ask questions to interpret the silence: “It seems that you are mad right now. I think you might be upset with me.” Other children communicate with actions such as tantrums, yelling, name calling and running away. Disallow this and encourage verbal communication: “I want to know what you are feeling but I want you tell me instead of showing me.”

God’s Word gives us great ideals to aim for:

Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers. Eph. 4:29

When we follow God’s guidelines of teaching thoughtfulness in communication, we will see gradual progression in our children’s patterns of behaviour, remembering it takes years to perfect the art of good communication. Aren’t most of us adults still learning that? There are rewards aplenty along the journey. For example, it brought much joy to hear the remarks of surprise that our girls received during their gymnastics days when they were in the same ability level lining up for the vault or bars. Their friends were amazed that they got along so well and spoke kindly to each other.

If you have stories or questions about areas of communication difficulty, I look forward to your comments below.

Stay tuned for Healthy Communication 3: The Parent’s Role

¹ Denise Rowden of “Empowering Parents” ^{https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/how-to-stop-your-child-from-arguing-with-you-10-tips-you-can-use-today/}

² Cloud, Henry & Townsend, John, Boundaries with Kids: When to Say Yes, When to Say No to help your Children Gain Control over their Lives Strand Publishing: Sydney, 1998. p. 200 (non-expression)